I Gave Up as a Parent Today, &That's Okay

You may be expecting a long explanation with three to five somewhat decent points on why it's okay to just quit "parenting" for the day.  I'm not going to sit here and feed you unproven points that seem to make sense like "it teaches your kids independence" or "it's a better alternative to discipine". Although, they sound good and they are things that I tell myself, they are not the reason why I gave up today.  

I don't know if it's because of the weather or because Mercury is in retrograde, but my boys have been wrecking my nerves all day.  All. Day.  Discipline, rewards, discipline alternatives, separation, negative reinforcement, positive reinforcement... you name it, I have tried it. And nothing was working today.  I got frustrated, tired, and a bit upset.  So I gave up!

I pulled Noelle to the side, and she played with me or in the corner by herself, I turned the televison up, and I let the boys run wild all afternoon.  They fought, yelled, screamed, ran, played from 12:30pm to 5pm, and they fought with no interference or refereeing from me.  I could see them, so I knew they weren't killing each other, but that's as far as I went.  (I  know a few parents that would put their kids in the room, close the bedroom door, and check on them occasionally.. I can't say I didn't consider doing that a few times.)

Why was it okay for me to let them hash it out?  I will tell you my one good reason for tuning out: they weren't going to listen.  I had been fussing and disciplining since 8am, but they were not even pretending to listen. So for my sanity, I sat back and let them get all that negative energy out.  They howled, yelled, whined, screamed, and cried for a little over 2 hours. (Yes, they hit and pushed a little too.) But afterwards, they were calm. They were still loud, but they were still.  And only one room of the house was destroyed.  

I do not feel bad for allowing them to run around like two crazy ferile beings.  I actually feel pretty good about it!  While ignoring them, I watched TV, journaled, talked and played with Noelle.  I had a whole lot of background noise, but not too much stress.  Instead of doing something useless like wasting my time trying to stop a hurricane, I just prepared for it, and endured it.

Parental Liberation

I'm going on a short rant today.  You were warned! Ideally, we- my husband and I- are not where we want to be, and I'm not ashamed to admit that.  Parents are always so pressured by others to be more sophisticated or "put together" just because they are parents.  But that's not what matters or even how life works out for most.
After children, whether you have one or nine kids, you are still a human with flawed areas. Almost automatically, you become a more loving, caring, and protective person, and that changes you. But the rest of your life goes on as usual.  What I'm saying is, having a child doesn't make your credit score magically skyrocket, and it definitely doesn't pay your bills or make your boss less of a prick.  I am admittedly still learning about being a successful adult. I have budgeting articles pinned and a not-even-half-way checked off to-do list from 2 weeks ago.  I forget to dust the window sills, and we regularly have to pay late fees, because I forgot to call the money in the day before.  I have plenty of growing to do; I'm far from put together. But I'm a continuous work-in-progress, and so is my husband.  Every day we get closer to our goals; every single day we are trying, not only for ourselves but for them.
Meanwhile, our three kids adore us; they're happy, decently clothed (when in public), intelligent, & well fed.  Because of this, I've completely given up on being the "best mom", and decided to just be "Skyland, Azariah Parker, and Noelle's Mom"- which I assure you I am more qualified for than anyone else on this planet!  As their parents, we give them all we can, every day. We support them, we love them, we cherish them, we encourage them.  We make memories, and we enjoy life together.  They don't care that we don't own a house; they don't care that our car is still in the shop.  All they care about is the now, and all that they see or know about is the present.  So taking a page from their books: I'm done caring about others' thoughts or opinions on how we should live or raise our children.  We will keep working towards a future, but we will focus on enjoying now.  As long as their health, happiness, and well-being are not at risk, we can make any decision about our family that we want and that we feel is best.
I know I'm kind of all over the place, I have a lot on my mind. I'm just posting today to say: there's something liberating about letting go of the impossible demands and expectations of the world and those around you and living for yourself and your family. I have freed myself and I thought I'd let y'all know.  

Potty Time

Every  parent's 4-letter-word: potty training! 

It's messy, & it takes way too much work. But I got my little Azariah [Az-uh-rye-uh] Parker potty trained within a week. (YAYYY! No more diapers for his chunky bottom! )

Here are my methods:

(I should add that I've also worked in the potty training room at a daycare for year; you can trust me.)

1. BE READY

My way is cost effective, but messy & takes consistency. Don't start then stop, it'll take longer & confuse the child. So you have to commit! And ensure everyone around your child is committed as well. 

For an example: Don't start if the daycare can't start potty training them yet. This will confuse most children, and make the process take longer. 

2. MAKE SURE THEY ARE READY

They have to be able to communicate some type of way. And I don't start training kids until they know what pee and poop is. Most children have obvious signs: asking, watching, taking off diapers, peeing in the floor, etc. to let you know they are ready.

3. GET STARTED

My universal tips: 

1.) Clear a weekend (or a few days); once you start you are not going to want to take your child out for a few days, and you probably aren't going to want company.

2.) Buy underwear & pull-ups, and be prepared for a bottomless baby.

3.) Be consistent. I've said it before, I will say it again: you need to be consistent with this. I'm talking true dedication!

4.) Every child pretty much starts the same: 

You tell them to go potty & show them the ropes. You have to be patient waiting for the first pee in the toilet with some, and others will act like they were born to potty (lucky you)! I sent my children (and class) to their first potty about 20 minutes after breakfast. 

Days 1 to 3: I leave my children naked while they get the hang of it, and let them sleep in pull-ups (or diapers). 

Days 4-7: I move them into underwear all day, and allow them to continue sleeping in pull-ups (or diapers). (This step may take longer, I always made sure they had at least 2 good days before moving on.)

Day 8: they are in underwear all day and night.  I suggest cutting off drinks 2-3 hours before bedtime, and sending them to the bathroom before bed. I would also wake them up to potty anytime you're up at night, just until they get used to going to the bathroom when they get the urge. 

4. WHICH ONE IS YOUR CHILD? PICK A CATEGORY (OR 2 OR 3)

You may have to mix and match to see what works best for your child. But these tips will make potty training go more smoothly for both of you! And they help speed up the process...

A. Attention seeker - this kid loves attention. As a wise man once said "any attention is better than no attention" . Good or bad, this kid wants attention

This child will usually respond well to praising the good and ignoring the bad.

When accidents happen: change their clothes, have them help clean their mess, and keep going on like nothing ever happened. Remind them to pee in the potty, but do it in a monotonous way.

When they use the potty correctly, have a bathroom party.

B. Mommy's/Daddy's Baby - Mommy's Boys, Daddy's boys, Mommy's girls, Daddy's girls, even Grandma's boys. (Most children fit somewhere under this category, but there are a few independent babies out there!)

Let them follow their hero to the potty, and encourage them "See, Mommy goes pee in the potty too." or "look Daddy's a big boy; he's going potty", and also try to get them to go after you. Praise is a big one for this one too- especially if it's from the one they look up to the most.

When accidents happen: don't scold. Encourage them to help clean it up, and gently (yet firmly) remind them where we go potty.

My oldest falls in this category, and it is a bit difference if there is a mix of gender. He still sits on the potty, and wipes after peeing. He's been potty trained over a year now. (You pick your battles; I'll pick mine).

C. Praise lovers - Any time there is clapping, stickers, or a prize this child is all for it! They are the easiest to please, and to potty train.

It's simple: love praise, don't like being scolded.

When they potty: have a bathroom party, clap, hand out jelly beans, let them watch their favorite movie, give them milk. Give them stickers, lollipops, candy, fruit loops, cheerios, books, toys, claps, cheers, whatever makes them happy! 

At the daycare, my students loved to dance! I've literally played songs after they went potty! Get creative, and use whatever works for your child.

For accidents: scold & make them help clean.

D. Independent - Whenever they can do something alone, they are pleased. This child is the hardest to potty train

Sadly, no bathroom parties here.

Independent children are usually independent learners. You are basically going to show them the ropes, and let them go on their own. Ask them if they have to potty, and then send them. Ask follow up questions "did you wipe?", "did you wash your hands?" and give them encouragement & small praises such as stickers, high fives, or an "awesome job!"

Be interested and encouraging, but laid back.

With messes, say things like " try to make it to the potty next time". From what I've seen the independent child has the most messes, and, sometimes learns a bit slower. But the look on their faces when they finally get it is priceless. So be patient.

E. Anxious - Some children show anxiety symptoms when it's time to actually use the potty

Be prepared to talk and encourage.

The same method you would use for talking someone of the ledge, you will use for them. They may require for you to be with them every step of the way. So go potty with them, praise them when they do go potty, and remind them of past times that they've gone. Phrases like "see, it's not so hard." and "I knew you could do it!" really take flight with them.

During accidents: ask them to help clean (even if they enjoy cleaning), and encourage them to keep trying. Phrases like "accidents happen" help. If the child is anxious, scolding will only worsen their anxiety.

But the more they potty, the more they will come out of it.  They just have to adjust. 

F. Hard headed - I myself have one of these. The opposite of what I say, Azariah does.

My little Parker threw this former daycare teacher for a loop, so I made another category. I'm going to go over what worked for him.

He had to be escorted to the bathroom, because he told me "no" or "I don't want to" every time I asked. So for this child, I recommend paying attention. Escort them to the bathroom door, and keep an eye on them. But you don't  have to go in with them; they'll appreciate the trust (even if it's completely false). I was close enough to praise correct potty usage, and scold him trying to throw toilet paper in the tub.

For messes: he cleaned them up alone, and then sat on the potty for 2-3 minutes. (While he was on the potty, I'd go behind him and clean his mess up correctly.) Making him sit on the potty made him realize he was going to have to go potty either way. I'd also ask him, over & over; " where do we pee pee?" & "Where do we poo poo?" . Paired with consistency, repetition helped a lot with him! But now we have conquered, and moved on to dressing ourselves ( yeesh)! 

There is no "easy" way to potty train, and accidents will happen! I woke up to a wet toddler this morning, but it comes with the territory.  If you're anything like me you would happily trade daily poop diapers for an occasional load of soiled laundry. So don't give up!!